- Thu Apr 10, 2008 5:38 pm
In my own conversion, I'd been bad enough to have good reason to be very frightened of the devil and indeed to have some experiences which I believe to be of the devil. I decided that I couldn't ask for an exorcism, so I would have to try to be as good as I could be and get exorcised that way. As I learnt more about God and the faith and exorcists, I realised that I wasn't possessed but quite possibly undergoing persecution or obsession. So I didn't need an exorcism, but I did need to run away from the devil.
So this is what I did. I ran, as hard and as fast as I could, in other words, I prayed, went to Mass, went to confession, as much as I could, read spiritual books. I kept on running. The more I learnt, the more I wanted to know. I remembered Medjugorje and started to pray the rosary. I got free satellite tv and started watching EWTN. I started reading St Faustina's diary. I started going to monthly confession. I started going to adoration.
One day I kind of sat back on my heels and put my hands on my hips and looked around me. And I suddenly realised that although I used to be running away from the devil, now I was running towards God. Where before I was afraid of the devil, now I was in love with God.
Now, I'm not alone. Many, many people who are Catholics are in love with God. But for me, it's a breakthrough. Occaisionally now I do things out of fear, but mostly nowadays I am motivated by love for Him. I can't tell you how much I want to please Him, be like Him, receive Him. I want the world to run full of love and justice, peace and joy. I sincerely and achingly long for this. I long for Him to return. I long for Heaven. I can't tell you how much I want to be one with God.
I believe that we should aim for perfection, even if we can't achieve it, because then we know we're going in the right direction, whatever we do actually achieve. So it seems that, however unlikely it is that I will ever get there, I should aim for sainthood.
I'm not a saint. I'm so very far from it. But now I want a spiritual director to help me improve myself as far as possible.
That is where I am right now.