[izzy_682]

I had the urge to write this, this morning, in my personal diary. But the boyfriend took off with my favorite pen and these things need to be put down somewhere. So I thought... but why keep this to myself? Have you guys not expressed genuine interest in my progress?

I am so sorry I didn't get back to you any sooner, including everyone who PM'd me. It's just that, with the overwhelming amount of messages I received, my poor unfocused mind needed some time to "process" everything.

I have sure set myself quite the goal as an incentive to living and looking forward to something (which is not always easy to do in a depressed and anxious state of mind), I have decided to put all my existing resources to go to Medjugorje. The thing is... when? I don't really have any head start in this project and I am also finding that, in the goal of trying to collect sufficient funds, all areas of my life will be affected (in a lot of good ways too though). I am not too bad I guess: I do have debt that will need being taken care off, but it's nothing overwhelming. It will slow me down though. I will have to be extremely careful with my money. And not buying anymore weed is more an initiative to reach my goal of 3000$ for my trip then anything. (yeah... I am ashamed to say it's really the only incentive I've got to stay away from it so far.)
Also, I have a few health initiatives on the go: I subscribed to the gym with my Tax Refund money. It's an important step I guess to take me off "weed support". I need to get that heart pumpin' and manage my hip bursitis properly if I want to work continuously all summer (I am a landscaper... and last summer due to my hip injury my finances suffered quite a bit. So I need to get that under control before I start working again sometime next month. I wish I'd had the resource to do something about it much sooner...). I am going to do Yoga too, firstly to increase range of motion in my injured hip. Secondly, I'm hoping it will also be another step to take me off "weed support" (like I, unfortunately, like to call it).
If my overall physical well being can be achieved, my work will be better and constant, meaning that I will be able to reach in a timely fashion the financial means to GO TO MEDJUGORJE!!!!! which is the ultimate goal behind all my new initiatives. I'm hoping to go in the next 2 - 3 years.

Spiritually, I'm trying to take baby steps as suggested. I try not to set myself unrealistic goals. In the past, I've been known far too well to do so (do you feel at times like you -purposely- set yourself impossible goals just to see yourself fail?) I want to go talk to a priest as well...

I have some loose threads though which I don't know how to handle, such as the boyfriend, whom is very sweet and cute but... is a pot smoking protestant that's got absolutely no interest in "religion" (his words). I want him to come with me (I'd very much like keeping him). I want him to stop smoking weed too and to have goals in his life (which he doesn't... he doesn't seem to care about personal and spiritual growth. A typical young human male living the present like there is no tomorrow, in complete denial of the future that almost always comes when you're not prepared).
I want to stay with him... but at the same time I fear he will further influence me and slow me down on my BIG PROJECT. As for breaking up with him... I just couldn't handle being alone right now!! That could seriously compromise everything I'm trying to work on right now.

Thank you guys again for your prayers!!! More then anything in my life, or anything that I'm doing, your prayers aid me in a tangible matter!! Please, keep on praying for me... so that one day I can pray too to help others!!!

Ciao!

Izzy

[OnASpiritualJourney2]

Oh Izzy, good for you! Sounds like you're definitely headed in the right direction. The workouts at the gym and your activity with working in landscape will also help prepare you for the rocky climbs in Medjugorje! With everything you're doing, I wouldn't be surprised if you couldn't make it there within a couple of years at the most.

Motivation is not what counts when quitting the weed. It's only the stopping that counts! Will pray for you about the boyfriend situation.

Congratulations on starting your journey!

[starbright]

Well done, Izzy! You're doing brilliantly.

[starbright]

Well done, Izzy! You're doing brilliantly.

Keep praying. The boyfriend situation will have an answer, if you keep praying.

[izzy_682]

Thank you all for your words of encouragements and prayers!!
I was reading Philomena's conversion story and I'm kinda hoping the boyfriend will do just like her husband did: you know, like noticing the changes (without me nagging him in any way). I suspect that when he'll see how much resources and sacrifices I'll put into achieving my dream of going to Medjugorje, he'll wake up and realize that he can do the same as well. And maybe he'll get curious enough to investigate the whole "Medjugorje Mystery".
Just for the simple fact that I won't be buying anymore weed to put that money into a "trip to Europe" might open his eyes quite a bit.

[OHLisa]

Prayers continue!

I caution you about the relationship with this guy who is not Catholic and has no interest in religion. Also the fact that he is smoking weed cannot be a good influence on you.

I think you need to learn to have more trust in Christ and His Mother to see you through. Also it can be helpful to be around other people who are living their faith. Not to say that you shouldn't pray for this boyfriend, but as is it does not seem to me like he would be good for your spiritual health etc... It seems like he may be a near occasion of sin for you!

In scripture remember that Jesus told the woman caught in adultery to go and sin no more! Adultery is just one example of sin in our lives. People who are not married and that are having a sexual relationship are sinning by fornication. I'm not saying that you are doing this, but I just want to caution you! Praying that you find the answers that you need and that you rely on Jesus and Mary to help you always!

[aoise]

Izzy, I admire you for taking such positive steps. Its not easy when you are suffering from depression so you are doing really well. In one of her messages, Our Blessed Lady said, 'give me all of your problems'. May I suggest that you do just that. Hand over to her everything that concerns you and ask that she help you make it to Medjugorje. She will not dissapoint.

Judy

[izzy_682]

OHLisa, you must've edited your message after I read it cause I just noticed now the rest of it.
I understand your point of view and you are also right about us living in sin.

And I'm going to have to talk to a priest about all this. My boyfriend and I don't cooperate spiritually, but we are working at a common goal although it's clear that without a good foundation no house can stand proud and tall.
What keeps me with him is -hope-. If he could be converted, he would be a great asset to God's plan (in my humble opinion anyway).

It's not easy for the youth today, especially for those in my age slice. We're too old to partake in any youth movement and we're too young to interact with other groups of Catholics in which members are all married, have children of their own and maybe even have grand-children.
Marriage is scarier then ever and to be honest, quite costly for young adults who are over their heads in debts (if you knew how much credit card debt my boyfriend has, you would shutter).
A priest in Italy told me once though that you can be married in the eyes of the Lord without really having done the ceremony in case of poverty.
He's not perfect... I'm not perfect!!! But being in a couple is more then just living happily ever after. We've got something together. And a couple is like a house that needs constant work. I am just at the beginning of my re-conversion. Who is to say that with prayer and sacrifice, we can't be both converted?

Why is it that married couple should work on their conversion while unmarried couple should simply break up because they don't cooperate also spiritually.

I've tried walking alone for a long time. I thought of entering a nunnery... then I realized that I was simply incomplete and I prayed the Lord with tears out of a broken heart for a companion, a friend or a boyfriend. And Matt found me and we discovered that we share something that we can't share with others (not talking about the weed here!! lol!! We were both very sick when we were younger. He's seen the face of death many times as a baby. To this day, we share the same medical condition and we found out recently that we both might be sterile! So we're both cool with the idea of adopting when we'll be ready, which is awesome I think!)

We're cooperating on something... And with prayers and sacrifice, I'm hoping that our little coop will go a long way towards conversion. Maybe one day... I'm hoping...

I'm also hoping Medjugorje will provide me with answers and guidance...

[OHLisa]

Izzy, anything is possible with God!

Praying that you and your boyfriend find the way that is pleasing to God and that you live your lives in conformity with His will for you! Living in sin is no light manner! You must be strong enough to do what is right or you will suffer more! I would advise you to go talk with a good priest and make a sincere confession! I would not say anything if I did not care! But we must speak the truth or we ourselves will be at fault! Prayers continue for you!

Also you don't have to rely on other people necessarily in this life! All you really need is Jesus and His Blessed Mother and the Saints who are your true friends. They are the ones who will not let you down like everyone else does! Trust in Him!

[izzy_682]

Oh believe me... it is my wish as well!
Thank you for keeping me and my boyfriend in your prayers!

Izzy

[OnASpiritualJourney2]

Praying for you both Izzy! As OHLisa says, With God all things are possible! BTW - you're right - adoption is awesome!!!

[izzy_682]

I did a big "no! no!" this morning! I was happily thinking of my conversion when I had the bad idea of reading about the ten secrets this morning!
Now, I'm somewhat on the verge of a panic attack. I feel like I'm going to do again like that dude who hid his masters talent! I'm going to stick my head in the sand again!! I just lost my happy momentum..
I'm really scared right now...

Izzy

PS And I'm wanting to smoke a dube really bad right now to calm me down! Man this is depressing!
PPS Fortunately, that urge dissipated (writing about it kinda made it go away). I am still restless but I'm not thinking about that dube anymore. Victory Jesus!!

[OHLisa]

You can do it Izzy with God's help and His army of help!

[OnASpiritualJourney2]

Fear not! When your head starts approaching the sand - open your eyes - and realize how horrible sand in the eyes and ears, etc. feels and don't even think about burying your head in it! Okay good - Now that your head is back up straight, Izzy the secrets are secret for a reason. If it makes you afraid to think about them or read about them - stop! The last thing Mary wants is for us to be afraid.

You are doing exactly what she asks us to do. You are in the process of conversion. Pray and remember the Blessed Mother's messages. They are not fearful, they reassure us of her love for us. They also lead us to her Son. Ask Him for your heart to be filled with peace.

I'll keep praying for you!

Izzy I just saw the last two lines of your post. Just remember no matter how strong the temptation, the power of Jesus is greater. Whenever you have an urge to use, get a hold of someone who will talk you out of it - whether it be on this forum or elsewhere. You've only been clean a short time and it's perfectly normal to have the urges show up sometimes. The evil one isn't happy about having lost you. Hold tight to Mary's hands - remember she just told you to do that a few days ago! I think you're doing great. Just take one day at a time. Pray in the morning not to be tempted and pray at night thanking God for another day clean!

[Steven]

Hi Izzy. "Weed" (as you call it) causes instant depression in some folks.
It can be a vicious circle, smoking weed to get relief and finding yourself
more depressed but being psychologically addicted to it because it used
to give relief. The good news is that after a person stops doing weed, the
depression usually goes away or lessens a great deal. It may take a
while but God can and will carry you through this, if you let Him. There is
a fair sized weed problem in your area. There also is a fair sized
population of folks in recovery from weed and other substances in your
area. Another good news perspective is that most folks in recovery
rely on God to carry them through the withdrawal phase. They also rely
on God to help them re-assemble their shattered lives. Here is a resouce:

http://www.canadadrugrehab.ca/Newfoundl ... ng.html#AA

I would suggest you try AA. They seem to be more God-centered and
most folks that abused alcohol also have experience with weed.

Good luck, Izzy. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I fully trust
that you will one day make it to Medjugorje. Trust in God.

Steven

[izzy_682]

Update on my progress:
For the first time today in (I don't even dare say it) a long time, I went to church. And not just -any- church. I visited my -new- parish (I moved to Saint John two months ago), the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception.

I was really nervous approaching it. I didn't know if anything was going on in there and I didn't want to interrupt anything, I didn't know which door would be unlocked, etc... Someone could even say that it wasn't me being nervous but rather "someone else" (if you catch my drift. hint: he's usually portrayed as a red, ugly and stinky fellaw that likes to inspire us silly and damaging preoccupations!) I bet he was more affraid then I was though!

As I went in, I saw that it is a truly beautiful church and sat at the back for a little while (I immediatly felt and almost overwhelming sense of loneliness as it often hapens to me when I go to church). There was people near the altar that was speaking. I sat there, taking in my surrounding. Because of the other people in the church, I didn't dare wander too much around to not bother them... and then I realized how ridiculous I was and got up and started admiring the statues and the windows. I saw a little room adjacent to the altar and people sitting and facing another, smaller altar with the Blessed Sacrament on display!

I couldn't believe it at first. Back home, the Blessed Sacrament is hardly ever displayed, sometimes just for a few hours once a week, so I couldn't believe that the one day I decide to visit the Cathedral, HE is there to be materialy seen! (as it is though, I later found out that the Blessed Sacrament is exposed everyday of the week) So I went in, signed the guessbook and decided to sit for a little while.

I kneeled down and started praying, most and above all, for my conversion and my boyfriend's conversion, repeating over and over again: Who hope's in the Lord won't be disapointed. And then they came, tears running down my cheeks as my heart let out a "why?". "Why is everything always so hard for me? Why am I in this position again? Why, Oh Lord, did You never jump out of a picture or something to give me a comforting hug whenever I needed one in the past? You know that what I desire most is to be forever converted to You! Why have you allowed me to be lost to you again?"
As I was silently crying and trying to silence my voice in my head, a "thought" came to mind (not to mention a Walt Disney song from Sleeping Beauty "Once upon a dream", the one where Rose and the Prince sing together!!)

None of this will matter one day!

So I offered my pain for our conversion, swept the tears, wrote down 20 minutes and left.

Something weird did happen though...
Before I went to the Cathedral, my hip bursitis was tormenting me again. It wasn't much of a pain but more like an irritating pinched nerve sensation deep inside my hip. When I got up and left... it suddenly came to my mind that I wasn't feeling the "pinch" anymore (and it had been a cause of much concern for me today!!). I don't want to yell "it's a miracle" just yet! But I will keep you updated on this.

I think I'll try to go everyday of the week for the next month, seen that the grass is in no hurry to turn green and that means I'll be off work for a while untill it does. Because what I'm asking is nothing short of a Miracle and I'm really putting all of my hopes in Him!

Izzy

[OnASpiritualJourney2]

Izzy - do you realize the hand your Mother has had in all this?! Today is the Feast of the Annunciation! I know your Church is named after a different one of her feast days, but ...

Good for you for going in! One day it will all become so familiar and feel more like home than your own apartment even! Next time you may want to pick up Sunday's brochure and you'll have all the Mass times and other important info available for you! If you can go, daily Mass is really beautiful and takes only a half hour or so. Don't worry about not receiving yet as there are always a few people who remain in the pews during Communion. You can also go up during communion and cross your arms over your chest to indicate you want a blessing instead of Communion.

St. Johns must be beautiful! You must be glad to see spring coming back as I can imagine the winters are quite cold!

[izzy_682]

Spirit,
As always, you provide me with good advice... but I was ahead of you this time I already picked up the Sunday brochure (that's how I found out that the Blessed Sacrament is exposed every week day). I was thinking of going to the daily mass in order to unofficialy meet the priest and get to know him/them better before I go confess to them. But as I didn't want to approach the Host before then, I felt self-conscious about going to the mass and not going to communion. In the light of what you wrote me though, I just realized how foolish a preoccupation that is.

Steven,
actually only 1 in 10 person can become paranoid and possibly schizo after -years- of substance abuse on "weed" and I sure am not one of them. I have been depressed on and off for the past 10 years ever since I was diagnosed with Crohns disease. There has been severe cases of depression too on my mother's side of the family and a lot of medication prescribed to me by doctors are more likely candidates for causing depression then cannabis is (such as heavy doses of cortisones I had to ingest for two long years or the morphine that was prescribed to me in the hospital and that is faaar more addictive then alcohol and cannabinoids combined! Even Diane 35, which is prescribed for Acnee control in girls and is also a birthcontrol pill, is a most likely suspect for bouts of depression. I'm saying this cause I was prescribed Diane 35 for a long time in the past.) My anxiety disorder originates from the days when I had a feeding tube going from my nose to my stomach with which I had to go to highschool with. Can you imagine having to deal with that? People kept telling me that if they'd have to watch their diet, take all that medicine and wear the tube feeding gear, they'd go crazy. Well... ever since those days I've been having problems feeling happy! Especially since I still to this day have health issues such as high blood pressure and a persistent hip bursitis that might require surgery one day.

So yup... I am depressed! But not because of weed! I've only been getting high for the past six months and daily for the past two (well... WAS getting high).

Day one of not smoking weed

I'm looking at the picture of a weed bud and I feel like rolling it and smoking it! That stuff on the picture looks reeeeeaally good and I wish I could have it!

Day two

Didn't sleep well last night. But that's withdrawel symptoms for you.
I'm looking at that picture of a bud and I feel pretty stupid for wanting to smoke it yesterday. YUCK!! That's glossy paper!!

Day three

Still haven't slept all that great... but even if I'm thinking of weed during the course of the day, I don't really feel like smoking. It's just the habit of -thinking- about weed. But I don't really care if I am smoking it or not. Actually, I don't care about smoking it at all.

Now, my problem this past week was with the social aspect of smoking pot. Like you said "there is a fair sized weed problem" in my area! Pot smokers are everywhere and they love other "pot-heads" and they like getting together to...well, you guessed it, smoke pot! Just the other day, we were having friends over and all of a sudden someone passed me the joint and I had it right under my nose!!!!
Totally caught by surprise, well... you guessed it again! I don't even need to say what happened. BUT YOU STILL CAN BE PROUD OF ME!!!
I just took two little puffs to be polite and I didn't get high. But I'm ready for next time. I'll just tell them upfront next time not to pass it around my way and I'll be good. I really am sick of smoking anyway. It feels like that's the only thing we do nowadays. Sit around... and smoke. It appealed to me for a while but for the past week, I really don't care as much anymore. You're probably going to tell me that I need new friends. You're probably right. But give me some time here! I can't burn all my bridges in one day. I've only lived here for the past two months so I haven't met a whole lot of people yet and it's pretty common knowledge that if your friends are not pot-heads, they likely drink too much at parties and I don't like hanging around drunk people anymore. But that's the sad picture of our sad society.

I'm not saying weed is not addictive. But like alcohol, you need to be smoking it for a reallllly long time and in certain quantities to end up in AA meetings. I know people for instance who practically bring a pack of "dubes" to work with them. I have never even remotelly came close to smoking such quantities of it. For a little while it was only a social thing and then I got smoking it more because I was bored beyond my mind and now I don't smoke it because I'm bored and I'm pretty much done smoking it for social reasons. But I'll admit that I still get cravings when faced with high sources of stress. But I've found a way to cope with that now and it's thinking of GOING TO MEDJUGORJE!!!

Wow! Was this post ever long!!? All this to tell you that I ain't going to AA meetings. Lol

Izzy (who's not going to AA meetings!)

[OHLisa]

Izzy, that is awesome that you got to go to Adoration today! What a blessing! I would encourage you to keep going and go to Mass as well. Jesus is always there to help you and listen to you. He really wants to be your best friend. Just invite Him in and you will not be disappointed! Talk to Him all the time like the friend that He is. He does hear all!


You seem like a really intelligent person by many of the posts that you have posted. I think that you could really have a lot to offer people if you help yourself first. We all have a mission in life. Who knows what God has planned for you! Ask Him!


It is really sad that people think they need to either be drinking or smoking etc...! I'm sure that many of them are doing it to try to cope with with whatever they are going through. I pray for Salvation of all souls everyday! I hope and pray that they all can find the true Happiness that is a close relationship with Jesus Christ.

I'm so glad that you are with us here! I'm excited to see what God has in store for you! I have Hope and Confidence that things will get better for you! Prayers continue for you! May God bless you and all those who come in contact with you! May He give you strength and perseverence to deal with everything!

[OnASpiritualJourney2]

Izzy, you are hysterical! I love and admire your honesty!

You are definitely on the right path! By the way, in light of what you endured in high school, I think you can handle going to Mass and not receiving! I can only imagine that with all you have suffered, God has something wonderful planned for you! I think that your suffering may serve as a way to connect with His Passion in a very personal way. Do you realize the strides you have already made in your journey?! I feel privileged to be able to watch as you grow closer to Our Lord and His Mother!

Steven's advice may be very helpful to someone else reading your posts. You can thank God that you've been able to stop, but not everyone is able to do that without some additional help and support. Also some people are caught in the vicious cycle he mentioned with feeling depressed and smoking to get relief and becoming more depressed, etc.. For those in that cycle who can't stop on their own, AA can be a Godsend! Just wanted to throw that in as I'm sure he was only trying to help. With all the silent seekers on this forum, I'm sure he will be helping at least one person with his excellent advice!

So, are you going to tell us how Mass is tomorrow?

[izzy_682]

Lol! I can't get anything done today. I kept waking up last night: too many things on my head, plus I had scrumptiously delicious home made hot wings coated with ranch dressing last night and the darn things sat on my stomach for part of the night! So I woke up late this morning with a numbing headache!

And tomorrow is another day, hopefully a more productive one! lol!

[izzy_682]

Among other things I was thinking last night, I came to realize that
There is currently no peace between me and God!

I came to realize that plaguing my heart is still much anger and hatred regarding my past. I have not forgiven completely certain individuals who have permanently changed the course of my life. You see, I have been victim of medical greed and medical pride, which caused me to be in much pain and anguish.

By not being at peace with these individuals, I am not at peace with God.

I also realized that I resent God for much of my suffering at a time when I could not understand it's importance (the importance of suffering that is). But then I realize that I do to God the very things I accuse God of doing to me.

May I be able finally to forgive and be forgiven!

Izzy

PS - I asked "Why?" during Adoration and I got my answer! Praise be the Lord!!!

[OnASpiritualJourney2]

It's great that you are realizing so much about where you are today and what you need to change. Keep praying for the wisdom to know how to go about fixing what's wrong and the strength to carry through with what needs doing. I really think a Spiritual Director would be so helpful for you. Maybe someone else can give you some info on this as I really don't know much!

I know what you mean about anger robbing you of peace. For me it's one of the hardest things to deal with. One thing good to keep in mind is that my anger doesn't hurt those I'm angry with one bit, but it can do a number on me! What has worked best for me on this is to pray for those I'm angry with. It's really hard at the beginning, but after a while you may begin to feel sorry for them - don't forget they will be held accountable for their actions - and your prayers become more honest. Whether your prayers benefit them or not doesn't much matter. You will start to have the heaviness of anger lifted - leaves more room for love in the heart!

Keep up the good work!!! How cool that you got your answer to Why!!!

[OHLisa]

To err is human, to forgive is Divine! Your on the right track Izzy and forgiveness is a big big step in the right direction. Jesus tells us to forgive 70 x 7x! It is very freeing actually and more healthy for a person!

I recently read a very good book called "Making Miracles" by a father and son. I cannot recall their names because I did give the book to my sister for part of her birthday present. But I did jot some notes on it in my journal. So I am looking right now for some parts that may be meaningful to you:

///If we can break our addiction to negativity - and we can -- we can strengthen our immune systems, protect our health, lift our spirits, and encourage great things to happen.

Good thoughts are the key to success in every aspect of life.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, no one can make you feel inadequate without your permission. Neither can any person "make" you feel good. What we feel is up to us.

Tell yourself that you are happy, predicting you will always be happy and believing it is powerful medicine. Every hour tell yourself that you are happy.

You can't change the world but you can always have a positive attitude.

Enthusiasm unlocks the flow of endorphins and other beneficial biochemicals within your body. Endorphins help you feel good and block certain kinds of chronic pain and work with your immune system against disease.

*Today was another successful step toward the new me. With enthusiastic anticipation and absolute certainty that I'll make even more progress tomorrow, and every tomorrow, I'm putting on the new me.

Deliberately and consciously choose happy thoughts. Abraham Lincoln said: "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Every day is a new beginning, another chance to be joyful... the sun is always rising if you're happy.

It also talked about where forgiveness was important because otherwise you will feel worse.

I believe that this was in the last part of the book by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

How do you measure success?
To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people
And the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
And endure the betrayal of false friends.
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch,
a redeemed social condition,
or a job well done;
To know even one other life has breathed easier
because you have lived--
this is to have succeeded

Choose to be happy!

[izzy_682]

It sounds like a really good book Lisa! Truly food for thought. I'll have to look it up!

I've started to stare in the face of Anxiety and see it for exactly what it is and I can't believe that I've been duped for so many years, for Anxiety is actually the Evil Whisperer of irrationaly fears and worries. I have prayed the rosary last night and had a wonderful night's sleep and I can already see things more clearly now and I shall attempt to drown Anxiety's voice with prayers from now on.

I could never, NEVER thank you guys (gals) enough for your prayers!!! And when we'll meet one day in heaven and finally stare each other in the face, WE HAVE to throw a big party up there!!!

Spirit and Lisa, you're like my coaches and I think you're awesome and doing a great job!!

Much love!!

Izzy