- Fri Jan 02, 2009 4:37 am
Hi all, and thanks for your support.
It's been an interesting few weeks.
First, with regards to the issue of children. My friend is in his 40s and is eager to have children (already having had one child). I'm sure that's a major reason behind his choosing a fiancee in her 30s (his previous one was in her 20s). As I am interested in dating men in my age group (40s), it's logical to expect that my inability to have children at my age will factor me out for many men. Not only do I not want to miss out on motherhood, but I also wouldn't want to deny fatherhood to someone. But fertility is a fact of nature, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Adoption is also highly unlikely for me, although I would be interested in it. On my own, and under the burden of an enormous debt from my previous marriage, I can't afford the upfront adoption fees and costs, particularly for international adoption (as friends have chosen), which is safer in terms of not having the birth parents change their minds.
Looking at options and cold, hard realities, there isn't any hope for motherhood for me in the future.
Regarding my friend, it's become very clear in recent weeks, particularly in a discussion with J, a close male friend of his who is unaware of what my feelings had been for my friend, why our relationship never happened, aside from his wanting to start a family. My friend's fiancee (now, wife) is from an impoverished developing country, known for its submissive women, a stereotype substantiated by J, who'd visited that country last year and told our friend about this characteristic of the country's women. According to J, my friend jumped right into a wife search in that country. J described our friend as not wanting any conflict, and, J having met the girl, he kept telling me that she came from nothing, and was happy with anything that she was given and that (he said this a few times), the girl wouldn't cause our friend any problems. Wow...I'm all for compatibility in relationships, but searching out someone, intentionally, who is at a disadvantage and desperate, is very telling of insecurity and other troubling issues in a potential mate. (The situation was similar with the previous fiancee, although she was from a different country.) Suffice it to say that my opinion of this man has changed, not for the better.
I was invited to his family's Christmas Eve gathering, and, as I still do really like his family, decided to go. As my friend is non-religious and his wife is Catholic, I offered to take her to Christmas Eve Mass at the Catholic church in their town, prior to the start of the gathering, an offer which they both accepted. (And which, even a few months ago, I would NOT have even considered!) I had a good time at the party, except for those moments when I saw the family welcome my friend's wife as being part of them, as they'd just married. At one point, right in front of me, my friend's mom was hugging him and telling him what a jewel his wife was, and so on. That hurt, because I've imagined how nice it would be to be loved and accepted by a family like my friend's. I wish that the attraction for this man had never been there, that I didn't waste 3 years of heartbreak caring deeply for this man who wasn't worth it and still ending up alone, and that this overwhelming pain and emptiness at not having a family life would go away.
That concludes this saga. Thanks again for your prayers.