[cggirl1984]

Hi everyone
Umm I'm new to this site, and I am using it as a sign from heaven and angels that things will get better for me.
I always for I have no idea how long have been looking up about Medjugorje and the Holy Virgin Mary and just everything. Even though I am not baptized I admire and respect the Catholic faith, and I guess in a way am more comfotable (if that makes any sense).
And a few days ago I found this site, these past few months I have been having an inner battle, so many things have gone bad, and I am just constantly fighting to keep faith and hope and God alive in my heart, when the other half wants me to give up.

I am also taking what happened a few months ago, as a sign from God for me to finally go and take members of my family with me to Medjugorje (its probably a days drive away when I go visit family in the Summer, since my parents are from Montenegro. But so many family losses of both sides of the family I feel like when I go there that I shouldnt go too far from my grandmother, who buried my uncle a few years ago from an unexpected death. And when I am away from her I am with my cousins kids who lost their mother a few years ago to cancer and I am the "fun aunt" who takes care of them when I am there and gets them out of the house).
Ive been wanting to go since 2006, so has my mother who heard about it from co-workers who have been. And feel like this thing, this illness, this MS that I was diagnosed with the week before Christmas (even though my family isn't "technically" Christian, well they are Muslim, we never really identified with it and respect and love Jesus, and celebrate Christmas something a majority wouldnt do. I guess my parents and aunts and uncles who came to America dont care since they were raised in communist times), and it ruined my Christmas, I tried to smile but couldnt. It made me push away the guy I love who I always believed was my soulmate sent from angels in heaven, and just really has me questioning my strength and faith. I feel that maybe this happed for me to say its to leave when I visit, take the few members of my family that are faithful in their hearts and that I will be better. That maybe this is God testing me and telling me to listen to my heart and go and I will be better.

I dont know, I am just so confused. I have been confused for the past few months and honestly feel like I found a place where I feel comfortable and that it will help me make my faith stronger, so I wont have negativity in my head when I go. And a place to help me I guess fight off the evil spirits that are trying to win over my mind. I was always so faithful, but since Christmas like a part of me has been dying slowly inside. Ive been crying half the day, and when I'm not when I know things will get better that I am just given a reason or a kick in the butt from God to go, a cold feeling comes over me to make me think that I have no hope like doctors said, that I am worthless and to just give up everything cause I was meant to have nothing.

And I really feel now that I should never let go, to grab on stronger and to fight harder. That this is a sign, I found this site not even looking for it. An angel made me click wherever I did, to help me get stronger, because I cant go on being weak.

Sorry for the very long post/intro. I tend to ramble on when I am scared, nervous, happy and relieved

[OnASpiritualJourney2]

Welcome to the forum Cggirl!

It sounds like you have more questions than answers right now. I think it's times of questioning that lead us deeper into our faith. When we are no longer comfortable with status quo, something prompts us to search more. I don't know if you'd find all your answers in Medjugorje, but it sure doesn't hurt to look - especially with it being only a day's drive away! How fortunate you are to be able to be so close. Why not rent a large car or van and take as many of your relatives with you as you can and go to Medjugorje? It's not only Catholics, or even Christians who go - lots of Muslims go as well.

I'm praying for you as you struggle with your new diagnosis of MS, and hope that you keep your faith as it is the one thing that can indeed help you through your struggles.

[Flo]

Welcome! Glad you could join us.

[cggirl1984]

Thanks for the welcomes and prayers.

Yeah I definitely do need answers. Oh and know that it doesnt matter all are welcome to Medjugorje (and something I think some of the backward village bigots are unhappy with is that I have felt more comfortable with the Catholic faith, and never.. ever, felt comfortable with Islamic faith. Which makes kind of sense the ones who were born and raised in America weren’t really religious, and my mothers side isn’t religious. My dads side had a problem that his first wife was of the Catholic faith. Well the backward villagers are uncomfortable with me because even though my parents come from similar areas in Montenegro they are different ethnic groups. My parents always believed that all from that area the Serbs, Albanians, Montenegrins, Orthodox, Catholics, Muslims were all the same and regarded each as the same, just different beliefs and upbringings. Actually my umm I guess he is my ex now since I pushed him far away these past few months, our parents come from the same area over there but his family is Catholic, his family has no issues and neither do members of my family. Its just really sad when I see the backward bigots from both here in America and back there who feel like they are different or better. The make me really sick and probably a reason why I never felt included in the Islamic faith. Take my dads brother who decided to become religious after their mother died. Such a bigot preaches that he is religious but hates others, I constantly pray his soul. I feel like he single handedly helped welcome the devil in the family by his hateful closed heart. When ever we are over there, at his sons house and he comes over, in a way I guess all hell breaks loose in the house, and calmness returns when he leaves, my aunt and dad turn into different people after they talk to him every weekend when they call and the next day they are back to normal, if that isn’t a sign that he brings evil with him, I don’t know what is!.).

The past few years when I go to visit family, something tragic happens and cant really get the others who want to come to go. (for the past 5 years in a row, both sides of my family have been having something tragic occur and everything just gets put on hold. The only reasons why I go in the summer to visit family back in Montenegro is because I feel like my grandmothers and others on my moms side need me, and my cousin on my dads side; his kids look at me as the fun aunt and I get them out of the house, and clear their mind so they aren’t thinking about their dead mother all day and bored in the house. I feel like I am torn between people that need me when I go.

But yeah I kind of feel like something is telling me that I now HAVE to go. That the worst for the year has happened and that it is ok, don’t worry about anyone else and to go, that it is now or never. Amazingly I guess I shouldn’t be surprised but doctors saw that I recovered really fast, and they are amazed at how I gained my strength back so fast (the doctor thought I was talking injections she prescribed, but she didn’t prescribe it to me when I went for a check up 1 month later, than a few weeks ago again she thought I was still on drugs that she thought she prescribed but hasn’t), I like believe that that is my faith and love in Jesus and God and everything good that got me better so fast. But whenever I start having doubts and lose all faith, that’s when I have bad days. When I let faithless people around me consume my thoughts and have their negativity stay with me, are when things go wrong.

I really feel like there is something that is forcing me to lose faith. And for the past few months I was having a inner battle, and now I am stronger in my faith (not 100%, since I let go of everything from fear, but that was probably so I can work on getiing to 100% with my faith), when I was having the MS problems before I was diagnosed, I cant believe that I was too busy to even think about God, and it is slowly all making sense.

I babble too much.. Sorry and thanks again for the welcome and prayers .

[OnASpiritualJourney2]

You don't babble too much at all! I will continue to pray for you. Have you thought about talking with a priest for some spiritual direction? Might be helpful. I know that it's hard not to feel anger when people can be so narrow-minded to think as they do, but if you could try to pray for them instead of allowing yourself to become angry, it might really help. Eventually you may even end up feeling sorry for them. I truly hope you resolve to make it to Medjugorje this year!

[timberhollow]

Oh, PLEASE go to Medjugorje....Our Mother will answer ALL your questions, there's no doubt.

[cggirl1984]

Thanks again
Oh I havent talked to a priest in, I dont know how long. I never really actually thought of going to one. But now that you mention it, it makes a lot of sense to go to them instead of always wondering in within myself. Now to find out which one of my friends has a good relationship with their priest so they can help get in a meeting.

Oh hehe yeah I pray for them, after my anger passes. I have the anger 'How dare they say this, or think that!' blah blah blah. Washes over, I pray for them to stop being so closed minded bigots who are faithless and get joy out of others misery.

Yeah I am definetly going this year. So far (praying hard) no family tragedy has occured to keep me, my parents, my mothers niece or her husband from going. He is at a point with his job over there where he can control his schedule and he being a person who has to go all over the former Yugoslvia for work knows how to get there, he is a great driver and he is one of the people on my mothers side who is very open in his heart, and believes and respects Jesus.
Even with how open hearted many people on my mothers side are, the few bigots got angry at her older sisters son, he gave parts of his land that he never used or needed to a church in the beach town he has a house in, his neighbors were angry because he did it non for profit and he called the bigots out "We share God, we prayed to Jesus before the Turkish control over our people, and we technically are supposed to believe and respect in Jesus and the Virgin Mary", he got the bigots to shut it

I kind of know and hope that Our Mother will give me all the answers. I just cant wait till I go now.

Thanks for letting me babble