[Cartoonistguy]

...if God will not heal my mom, please pray he takes her, my fiancee and myself all at once. I don't know how others do it...I really don't. But I don't want to watch those I love fade away and die, and just as soon wish to get this whole life overwith. I apologize for what sounds like self pity. I'm just not able to cope. I deal with a haunting sadness every second and always have. Now that nightmares are turning to reality, I can no longer hide my dark side and pretend to be Mr class clown. I can't see straight, folks. I know you all suffer, and many people suffer much more than me (not much more than my mom has, though). I just can't handle the inner agony.

[Patty Cowan]

You said 'you cannot cope' which is very true..none of us can. That is why God wants us to trust Him and let Him cope for us. He wants us to learn that we are to rely on Him, our very breath is His gift to us, we can't do it on our own, if you think about it, while we are sleeping...who keeps us breathing? God. Every aspect of us is a gift from Him. I pray you are able to 'let go and let Him'. He's is the one to give you the ability to cope now and in the future. He will give you strength. One of the greatest gifts He gives us is the grace to pray...for others. You are in despair right now but we are all praying for you. I posted all the prayer intentions here to Ivan's prayer group, these are then placed on the altar each Thursday at a Mass said by Fr. Beyer, then given to the visionaries to be placed with Our Blessed Mother, who better than to pray for your mom, you and your fiance.

[Cartoonistguy]

I posted all the prayer intentions here to Ivan's prayer group, these are then placed on the altar each Thursday at a Mass said by Fr. Beyer, then given to the visionaries to be placed with Our Blessed Mother, who better than to pray for your mom, you and your fiance.[/quote]

...And I cannot thank you enough for that. I'm rather ashamed to be whining so much, and pray for you, too. But the sad, bleak outlook I have has weighed me down for 40 years. I so want to see SOME hope or glimmer of an increase in faith. I can't take watching ghosts and sad memories replace those I care about. I think about death, age and dying every minute of the day. Seeing it happen to those around me crushes me to fine sand.
But I thank you for being so patient and sincere. Even if God heals my mom, He'll take her, one day. So I feel like I only get false hope, at best. He'll take either my fiancee or I away from the other, take my Aunt and Uncle, whom I'm close to...and even priests I just like knowing are there because they're all older. And I see myself being in my 80's, depressed that so many I knew died, seeing no point to live. I don't know how others do it...and just wish God would put a new light on things.
Thank you for everything.......

[Guest]

Mark, Do not feel ashamed...and I don`t think you are whiney either...Did something happen in your life as a child to make you so preoccupied with death? It sounds like there is an unresolved issue in that department with you...We all know that some point in our lives we and our loved ones are going to die...we know that, but it is still hard when we are faced with death of a loved one...I had a terrible scare with my husband three years ago...He was diagnosed with malignant melonoma and it was horrible because he was only 45 years old at the time and we have younger children...I just had to put my trust and faith in the Lord...The cancer did not spread to his lymph nodes, but he does have a 33% of reoccurence...But I do not let that rule my life...You must look at the glass as being half-full instead of half-empty...Look at all the beautiful joys in your life...Focus on the positives instead of the negatives...You can do it...It is scary at first, but you can do it!! I believe God lead you to this forum for a reason...We will be here for you!!...Patty gave you some good advise...Just let go and let God...You have been in my prayers and I even said the Rosary for you last evening...Bless, Sharon

[Cartoonistguy]

I THANK YOU for the rosary you said. I pray for you, also. Unfortunately, I do let these fears and worries I have run my life. I've tried to stop, but can't help it. Nothing in particular happened in my life to make me think about those I care about dying...it's just how I am, and always have been. I'm guilty of being evious when I see people who are NOT like me.
I remember the whole village of Medjugorje seemed oriented around the church. I wish I could find such a place to live in the u.s.

[MaryS]

Dear Cartoonist Guy: My heart aches for you and I know the sadness that you feel. I lost my beloved Father in 1998 from cancer, he was only 57 years old. It was a terrible rollercoster ride from January 16th until June 23rd when the Lord took him from us. I was there at that awful but beautiful moment when he left and I was really bitter about it for awhile. I resented that my child and my brother's children would never really know their grandfather and all sorts of other things. You must pray and I will pray for you to let go of this, it is the work of the Evil One...life is a gift from God and although I don't understand why God chose to take my beloved father from us, I take comfort in knowing he is in Heaven now and it was God's will. Pray to accept God's will no matter what that may be...I have had what I call "Pop moments" where something happens, a song on the radio or a dream I have. After my Dad passed, my daughter who was only two at the time had dreams that "Papa came to visit her in her sleep and he had huge white wings." She even found white feathers, large ones in her room, in the yard, in the parking lot of the grocery store. I kind of envied that for awhile and then I began to find them too. I believe it is my Dad letting me know he's still in my life, just in a different way....I will pray for you and I and my brother have traveled this road already. Peace in Christ. Mary

[Guest]

Cartoonisguy,

Here is a story well known by my friends and their family. My friend's father was at home, in his room, dying of cancer. They had family and a nurse there. It was very hard on all the family, especially his devoted wife.

The dying man seemed stable, and they were all hungry and exhausted, so they went downstairs for a bite to eat in the dining room. During the meal, my friend's daughter (2 years old at the time) who was the dying man's first grandchild, became agitated. She would not eat, although she had said she was hungry. They even tried to give her ice cream, her absolute favorite (and a food she had NEVER refused) and she would not eat it!

She kept saying something about "the angels." "Yes," her parents would tell her, "Papa will be going with the angels soon." But she would not quiet down. "The angels! THE ANGELS! With papa! With papa! They go!"

Her parents thought the realization of what was happening was finally registering with the little girl, and that was all.

After they had eaten a quick bite, the nurse went upstairs to check on the grandfather, and he had died...peacefully, quietly, with no pain. During the few minutes they were gone, "the angels" had come to take him to heaven - and my friend's daughter had known! She had gotten upset at the exact time of his "death." (I use quotes because I know we never really die)

We were all in wonder about this...the man's good friend, who was the pastor of their parish, even spoke about this in his eulogy.

So, please hold on...I felt similar to you after my mom died (although not to the degree you are suffering). Although she had been sick on and off with a chronic disease all my life, I never thought she'd actually die before I got married and had children. I know how depression can cause an actual physical pain inside of you. Looking at death from a spiritual point of view might help you see that the passing onto eternal life can be a beautiful thing...my friends feel they have proof that celestial guides actually DO come and help you to glory. Think of the great graces your mother has achieved through her earthly suffering. It sounds backwards, I know. I tried to explain that concept to my daughter and she was not impressed at all!

God has a plan for you... please take the advice of the kind people on this forum. Maybe peace will find its way into your heart, little by little.

I'll be praying for you, too.

[John]

... I apologize for what sounds like self pity. I'm just not able to cope. I know you all suffer, and many people suffer much more than me (not much more than my mom has, though). I just can't handle the inner agony.

I guess we all indulge in self-pity and inner agony that we seek to hide from others... but what you call your "whining" is only giving words to the emotions that the VAST majority of people feel.

So don't feel bad about putting your heart and soul out here asking for help - if people can't relate to what you're feeling they are not being entirely truthful with themselves.

Now that being said I'm not too keen on your tone of "thank you BUT" - I'm pretty empathetic with you and would be lying if I said a suicidal thought never crossed through my head various low moments - but if I were there with you I'd probably slap you across the face to wake you up and get you to take a look at yourself.

You've prayed to God and he hasn't given you the answer you hoped for... but that's not the way prayer always works. God in my eyes is like a parent - he doesn't always give us what we want, he gives us what we need. And it may be that your mother needs and deserves to be with him in heavan. It may be that you need to come to terms with your own mortality and finally begin to LIVE.

I doubt he's given you the easiest path to follow - but over time you might be surprised to discover that He DID respond to your prayer, doing what is best for both you and your mother in the grand scope of things.

The fact is, I believe, is that very few of us can fully comprehend our own mortality. I'm unsure whether that's a blessing or a curse - perhaps for some their own self-denial of their mortality allows them to be more "functional" and focus on other things our culture equates as important/successful.

Ideally we come to terms with our mortality, and then we recognize that our role in this dimension of existence is to focus on the development of our soul. I think very few of us are able to block out the constant din of Mother Culture and what she's constantly telling us about what priorities in life should be (money, material goods etc...)

This in itself sets us up for conflict within ourselves, and what our soul knows is true and what culture tells us to believe

I'm rambling I know but your inner turmoil I'd guess is about much much more than your mother dying - its about a culture of death that on a spiritual level you are rejecting, looking for alternatives wherever they may exist.

Ultimately I'm guessing that Utopia isn't a location but a state of mind, where you just decide to trust in God, and know that you DO have the strength to deal with all this, and be the man God always wanted you to be, enduring your suffering and emerging all the stronger for it.

Good luck buddy!