[Pax]

For the almost three years, I have been deeply in love with someone with whom I have grown close as a friend. He had almost all of the qualities I could want in a mate. I felt, to my core, that if he ever gave us a chance, we'd be happy together. Never before had I cared so much about someone. To keep this brief, expressing interest in him directly was not an option. I tried to do so in subtle ways, to no avail, and I've had to endure being crushed to the point of being griefstricken by watching him getting engaged to two different women (at different times), one whom he will likely marry in a few months.

I have prayed fervently for God to bring us together, and, if that was not His will, to erase all caring for this individual from my heart. Finally, the latter has come to fruition. This individual is a good person, and I wish him well, but all of my feelings for him have finally come to indifference.

Thank you, God.

Edited to add: Thank you, St. Mary the Blessed Virgin, for your intercession.

[OHLisa]

Praying for you! He evidently is not the one for you so it is good to move on!

[Pax]

Thank you for your prayers, Lisa! Hopefully there is "the One" out there for me. But it is a huge relief to carry no longer the burden of unrequited love.

[starbright]

Prayer said

[Pax]

Thank you, Starbright.

[Cathy B]

Still holding you in prayer Pax

God Bless,
Cathy B

[Pax]

Thank you, CathyB, I really do appreciate and need the prayers.

[Flo]

Praying.

[Pax]

Thank you, Flo! Prayers are needed and appreciated.

[BlueKnight]

Anyone you marry is the wrong person. But you learn to make them the right person by accepting them unconditionally. It is normal to love someone who spurns you, and often more difficult to love someone who loves you because of human fear of closeness.

God uses that kind of rejected love to cause souls to pray for other souls who need the prayer. The devil uses it to cause you to fall into despair, depression, and hatred. In the end, it can be a humbling experience.

We all have the same soulmate, God. But, you can learn to love anyone, by choosing to, moment to moment.

In the end only three qualities are needed from a partner to make them a good parnter. 1) They are committed to you. 2) They are honest. 3) They are tender and affectionate.

Hope this helps,

BlueKnight

[ivonneastrid]

A popular story is, there was a time when Jesus in disguise would come to knock on doors asking for food. And if the girl who opened the door was mean to Him, He would say:

"May the Lord send you a good husband, so your soul get saved"

if the girl who opened the door treat him with love and charity feeding him well, he would say:

"May the Lord send you a bad husband, so you save his soul"

Therefore, since you seem to be a very nice woman... BRACE FOR THE WORST! or be safe and keep yourself to HIS work. His work is not a burden and you dont have to do anything out of the ordinary. that is the catch, you must be stay in the ordinary routine, the boring and tedious one and still shine because His love reflects from your soul.

Life is soooooooooooo easy! We just love to make it hard and complex.

[V madone]

Hi Pax,
It's great to hear that you're finally over him. I totally understand how you felt and all of that as I have the same story as you. Yeah,when we love someone unconditionally and when GOD says NO to your option, well is time to pack yourself and moved to the other road. I have gone crazy for a man before but somehow I realized that,GOD seems to move is further apart. So, it gave me a clear view that, I should wake up and follow HIS direction.

So,pax.Nice to hear your story.I will pray for you.God Bless!!

[Pax]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your posts and prayers. I've been away for a while - working and going to grad school, both full-time, so I haven't been around.

Here's an update.

My friend's fiancee came from overseas last month. (He met her, as he did his previous fiancee, on a foreign bride web site.) I've known about her being here through a family member, and have been waiting for him to tell me. I figured he was putting off telling me, and most others, to avoid facing the potential embarrassment of having this one cancel the marriage and return to her home country, as the previous one did.

So he came into my office today - we work together and are in the same grad program - and we chatted a bit before he changed the subject. He told me how, even with close friends, he keeps his relationships private, but he wanted me to know that he was engaged. We had a nice talk and I congratulated him. Months ago, I would have been grief-stricken because of how I cared for him.

But today? While he considers me a good friend, I consider him a good...acquaintance? He has many good qualities; I wish him well in his endeavors and I continue to help him in many ways related to work and school because he's a nice guy. However, I feel no bond with him. I do not plan on keeping contact with him once I'm done with the program and have left the area. Ironic, perhaps, but that's the way it is.

Rather, my grief is because his announcement officially signified another, and my final, failed attempt in ever obtaining the family life for which I've so badly wanted and needed. I'm not upset that "the one" wasn't HIM, but that he wasn't "the one." Don't know if that makes sense. I'm 43 now, and my chances are over with regards to finding the right person and in time to have a child. My prayers have gone for naught. As much as I hate to say it, women my age have no value to men who want children, such as my friend does. While someone might counter this statement by saying that I'll always have value as a child of God, or something like that, such a statement doesn't change reality and it is of no comfort to me. All I can do is try to get over the immense mourning I'm experiencing for the dreams that are gone.

Thanks again for listening.

[marylover]

Dont feel so sad over this. 43 is young, adoption is still an option. I dont think men fall in love with women "just"to have a child, if you met someone and fell in love you could adopt.

Offer all your thoughts and worries to Our Mother Mary. Say the Divine Mercy Chaplet. I will include you in my rosary too.

[OnASpiritualJourney2]

Pax I'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling. But I too think that it's not over by far. God has a plan for you, and it will probably be a wonderful one. Keep praying and keep faith that there is a plan for you. Yes, you are getting towards the upper age for becoming pregnant, but there is adoption - so many children need loving homes - and there are single men with children who also need a loving mother.

Your schedule sounds so full right now, and it must be hard working together with this person, but try to come on here once in a while and let us know how you're doing. I'm looking forward to that moment when you tell us what wonderful plan God had been preparing you for all along. I'm praying for you.

[starbright]

I am torn. I too want to say that it's not over yet, for the reasons the others have given.

But I also want to answer how you see the situation and what you have said above:

I feel that we might never know the plan that God has for us on this earth, but we might find out when we die. It is heartbreaking when the plans we wanted do not come to pass, particularly when it involves the lack of people to love and be loved by. I find that when I am lonely and long for someone to cuddle me, I turn to God and tell him all my feelings. I cry and talk to him about it all. And I try to be aware of and feel His love around me, try to trust His plans for me, try to learn to trust Him implicitly, through my pain.

If we (you and me and others like us)take our pain and use it to learn to trust God more, perhaps we will find joy in doing His will, whether that be pain to offer up for good causes or whether it be some job in society.

I find that I am evangelising by living a Catholic life, by sharing with those friends who are interested but not believers, by praying for the Holy Spirit before posting on here, like I did with this post, and trying to give the forum the benefit of what I have learnt and am learning so far in my spiritual life and relationship with God. In time I might find out how to be a spiritual director, or I might get back to work as a cousellor. Both of these would be serving the Lord. I have written a few things for the parish magazine. This is encouraging the faithful, like the early Church did, and it is also the work of the Lord.

I'm not giving these examples to brag, just to show how you can find in your life small things you are doing to spread the light of God.

In the end, I feel that what we want isn't as important as going along with God's plan, and the pain and suffering that comes from letting go of what we love in this world is a cross that we are asked to bear, to share in Christ's cross and to offer up for good causes.

I have prayed for you. God bless.

[marylover]

very well said Starbright.

You remain in my prayers. Again prayer helps us through the worst and most difficult situations.

[Pax]

Hi all, and thanks for your support.

It's been an interesting few weeks.

First, with regards to the issue of children. My friend is in his 40s and is eager to have children (already having had one child). I'm sure that's a major reason behind his choosing a fiancee in her 30s (his previous one was in her 20s). As I am interested in dating men in my age group (40s), it's logical to expect that my inability to have children at my age will factor me out for many men. Not only do I not want to miss out on motherhood, but I also wouldn't want to deny fatherhood to someone. But fertility is a fact of nature, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Adoption is also highly unlikely for me, although I would be interested in it. On my own, and under the burden of an enormous debt from my previous marriage, I can't afford the upfront adoption fees and costs, particularly for international adoption (as friends have chosen), which is safer in terms of not having the birth parents change their minds.

Looking at options and cold, hard realities, there isn't any hope for motherhood for me in the future.

Regarding my friend, it's become very clear in recent weeks, particularly in a discussion with J, a close male friend of his who is unaware of what my feelings had been for my friend, why our relationship never happened, aside from his wanting to start a family. My friend's fiancee (now, wife) is from an impoverished developing country, known for its submissive women, a stereotype substantiated by J, who'd visited that country last year and told our friend about this characteristic of the country's women. According to J, my friend jumped right into a wife search in that country. J described our friend as not wanting any conflict, and, J having met the girl, he kept telling me that she came from nothing, and was happy with anything that she was given and that (he said this a few times), the girl wouldn't cause our friend any problems. Wow...I'm all for compatibility in relationships, but searching out someone, intentionally, who is at a disadvantage and desperate, is very telling of insecurity and other troubling issues in a potential mate. (The situation was similar with the previous fiancee, although she was from a different country.) Suffice it to say that my opinion of this man has changed, not for the better.

I was invited to his family's Christmas Eve gathering, and, as I still do really like his family, decided to go. As my friend is non-religious and his wife is Catholic, I offered to take her to Christmas Eve Mass at the Catholic church in their town, prior to the start of the gathering, an offer which they both accepted. (And which, even a few months ago, I would NOT have even considered!) I had a good time at the party, except for those moments when I saw the family welcome my friend's wife as being part of them, as they'd just married. At one point, right in front of me, my friend's mom was hugging him and telling him what a jewel his wife was, and so on. That hurt, because I've imagined how nice it would be to be loved and accepted by a family like my friend's. I wish that the attraction for this man had never been there, that I didn't waste 3 years of heartbreak caring deeply for this man who wasn't worth it and still ending up alone, and that this overwhelming pain and emptiness at not having a family life would go away.

That concludes this saga. Thanks again for your prayers.

-Pax

[OnASpiritualJourney2]

Pax I'm glad that your eyes were opened to some aspects of your friend's personality and character flaws. This may be the end - but only the end of a chapter. There are many more chapters in your life which you have yet to find out about.

When you look at your prospects for being a parent, you're not taking into account that with God all things are possible. Just because you on your own can't afford to adopt, it doesn't mean that you won't find someone who would also like to adopt and can afford to do so. Or you may even find someone who has children in need of a mother. I'm looking forward to hearing in the future what God has planned for you. I'm keeping you in my prayers.